“Are You Mad at Me?” Understanding Fawning and Reclaiming Your Voice

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “Are you mad at me?” even when no one seemed upset? Maybe you apologized too quickly, overexplained, or tried to make everyone comfortable, even at your own expense. If so, you’re not alone. 

At Empower and Shine, many of us have experienced what psychologists call the fawn response, a trauma pattern where we seek safety through people-pleasing. It’s our nervous system’s way of saying, “If I can keep everyone happy, I’ll stay safe.”

But while it can look like kindness or empathy on the outside, fawning often comes from fear; the fear of rejection, conflict, or abandonment.

Recently, many of us were introduced to a book whose core came back to the phrase “Are you mad at me?” It might sound simple, but to many of us it has been fairly eye-opening. It’s the question of someone who has learned that love can disappear without warning and the often silent fear that being “too much” or not enough could cost connection. 

For one team member, the book Are You Mad at Me? felt like a mirror, reflecting years of tiptoeing around others’ moods, trying to fix everything to feel worthy of peace.Another said it made her realize how much energy she spent reading others instead of trusting herself.And another shared that the book gave her language for something she’d always felt but never named the exhaustion of a constant need to take care of anyone else in the room rather than herself. 

The Gentle Work of Healing

Fawning often begins as a survival instinct formed when we were young. But over time, it can keep us from living freely.

Healing means slowly learning that:

• You don’t have to earn love through perfection.

• You can disagree and still be safe.

• You can disappoint someone and still be worthy.

• You are allowed to take up space just as you are.

It’s about trading people-pleasing for self-trusting.

As one of our team members said:

“I used to think being kind meant taking care of everyone else. Now I know real kindness includes being kind to myself and letting them make their own choices.”

Empowerment Is Remembering Your Voice

Empowerment doesn’t mean we stop being gentle or compassionate. It means our compassion includes us.

When we choose to speak our truth kindly, clearly, and without apology we also model strength for others to do so. We remind one another that love doesn’t require shrinking, and peace doesn’t come from silence.

A Reflection for You

If you’ve ever caught yourself fawning or asking “Are you mad at me?”, take a breath and remember that you are safe to be you and that you are so loved, even when others are uncomfortable.

We’re passionate about helping others find freedom in self-love. Empowerment isn’t about perfection, it’s about presence.

Thank you for being on this journey with us through all your shining, healing, and helping others rise up.